I wish I was a person who...
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Be Brilliant In Your Business Podcast, Episode 107
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“You are closer than you realize to being the person you want to be.” - Linsi Brownson
What is something that you want in your life, but struggle to stick with? We often worry about the ways that we’re falling short, which is especially painful when we deeply desire something and believe that we are standing in our own way.
In this episode, I am reflecting on the statement “I wish I was a person who…” that I hear often from the creative entrepreneurs I work with. The idea behind this is to change their behavior in order to become the person they want to be.
Changing habits is an important part of personal growth, but in order to make sustainable, supportive changes with our actions, we must start by understanding our thoughts and desires.
I have a few questions to help you get started. Let’s dive in.
The desire to be different than you are...can be a good thing!
For most people, the desire to change something about ourselves is always present in our minds.
It may be sparked by things we see around us, such as getting a glimpse of someone’s beautiful office over a Zoom call and wishing we could keep our ship that tight. We feel pressure to change when problems arise, like forgetting a meeting because it was written on a Post-It instead of being entered in the calendar.
Wanting to be different than you are right now is not a problem...it’s a healthy and normal human desire for growth. And as a creative person, it can also be a powerful fuel for fresh ideas and resourcefulness. But...it only works in your favor when you’re not using it against yourself. And this is where most people get stuck.
We tend to internalize our desires as personal failings. We don’t know how to want to be different without making it mean that there is something wrong with us now. It’s another layer of all-or-nothing (perfectionist) thinking like I talked about in episode 106 that does more damage than we realize.
Do you want to change the result or the behavior?
Have you ever considered that you don’t actually want to change? This is a great place to start, by being honest with yourself about what you actually do want. Many times, we want a different result but we don’t actually want to change our behavior.
And that’s okay. We’ve been taught all of our lives that we “should” change our behavior. So of course that’s our go-to expectation of ourselves. But when we don’t want to change, and we think we should, we create all kinds of problems for ourselves.
So consider this, maybe the only thing you need to change is the pressure you’re putting on yourself. What if it were possible to get the result you want without changing your behavior?
Letting go of the pressure gives you options.
Maybe you can outsource it. Maybe you can find a more inspiring path. I give a couple of great client examples in the podcast episode.
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Use the minimum baseline to make permanent change.
Once you take the pressure off, you may still decide that you want to change your behavior.
For this, I recommend a strategy called “the minimum baseline.”
In business we launch minimum viable products, the most basic version that gets something new to market, so you can start collecting money and data. This is the same idea for your habits.
Rather than trying to become a person who keeps their office immaculate, choose one tiny action that you can do TODAY that makes you feel like an organized genius. That’s it. Do this action and appreciate yourself for doing it. Then see what you feel inspired to do next.
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Listen to Episode 106: Sneaky Perfectionist Tendencies That Are Actually Counterproductive where I talk about all or nothing thinking.
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Episode 107 Transcript
Linsi Brownson 0:08
You are listening to Be Brilliant In Your Business, the podcast that helps you create a rich business and meaningful life. I'm your host, Linsi Brownson, and I'm here to deliver a creative cocktail of pep talks and practical tools to break the habit of being busy so you can have what you really want in life. If you are new to the podcast, welcome, I am so glad you're here and look forward to being part of your brilliant business. Before we dive into today's episode, I'd like to remind you that if you're a fan of the show, the best way to show it is to share it. Take a screenshot of this episode and tag me @linsibrownson, or leave us a review in your favorite podcast app. It means so much and I love being able to connect with you a little bit more personally. So are you ready? Let's go.
Linsi Brownson 1:00
This episode is brought to you by Ultimate Business Clarity, my guided meditation and action plan to help you connect with your ideal business and lifestyle and start making meaningful steps toward creating it today. This visualization tool is one that I have been using for over 15 years in my life. And I credit it for being the very thing that opened my eyes to the possibilities that have now become the reality of my life. It is powerful, it works and I am so thrilled to be able to share it with you. The Ultimate Business Clarity, meditation and action plan is free for you. It's available right now inside the maverick HQ. Simply go to Linsi brownson.com forward slash Maverick and sign up to receive instant access to Ultimate Business Clarity today.
Linsi Brownson 1:53
Hey, hey Mavericks, welcome to the show. Today we are talking about changing something about yourself - becoming a different person, or implementing something that you really struggle to make a long-term habit, things like that. So the - the first thing that I want to say this is something that I hear really often from clients is this statement of, "I just wish that I was the kind of person who...", "I wish I was the kind of person who followed through on my schedule every day," "I wish I was the kind of person who always kept my desk clean," things like this.
So, this is where I kind of want to come at this from - is when, you have this idea that you should somehow be different, or you think you want to be different. What to do about that - what to do about that thought. So, I had an epiphany recently that in my own life - because I have these for myself as well, I wish I was the kind of person who loves working out. And what's interesting about that is that I used to be the kind of person who loved working out. And I have since become a person who kind of judges myself for no longer being that person. That's a total sidebar, but a good example nonetheless.
So, we all have these ideas, we kind of wish that we behaved differently, or we wish we had different personalities. And I think - this is just my recent revelation. I don't think it's a problem that we have this "grass is always greener" idea about our own personal development. You know, I believe very strongly in personal development and continually wanting to grow and be better versions of ourselves and, you know, improve our life situation and how we feel. But I always want to come from the place of "I am good enough right now", or "Things are good enough right now," and really look for the ways that that is true in our lives because I know that creating abundance from scarcity is a really big leap. And it is actually impossible. You can't go from scarcity to abundance in an organic way. Sometimes that happens, like people who win the lottery. And we all know those stories, people who win the lottery, who were really struggling for money and things don't work out almost ever. So, when we go from scarcity to abundance, that kind of big leaf with no internal growth process leads to disaster. So, we can't - we actually have to move from scarcity to sufficiency. And then from sufficiency, we can go into abundance. So, there's a process that goes along here. So, I'm a big fan of this - of moving out of scarcity into sufficiency, and then moving him and growing from sufficiency into abundance in all sorts of areas of our lives. But we cannot approach our desire for more from a belief of lack and an insufficiency whether that whether we are talking about our health habits, or our financial habits or our business, whatever.
So, on this topic, there are a couple of things that I want to share. And we already talked about the first one, which is really taking the time to understand what's behind this desire, what is driving this desire for change? And then my question to you is, this is one of my favorite questions, "On a scale of one to 10. How important is this to you?" I love this rating scale. So, a 10 is, "It's super important. I think it would significantly improve my quality of life, or it's really important, I think about it all the time." And a 1 is, "It's really not important to me at all". Just understanding what - what is the truth for you? If it's a five or above? It's - I would consider that important, right?
And so, if your answer is a five or above, my next question is, "Do you need to be the one to do it?" Do you just want the result? Or do you really want to change? I think so many times, we just assume that we have to change in order to get the result that we want. Or we think that we should change in order to be deserving of the result that we want. And sometimes if we just take those pressures off the table, people realize that, no, they actually just want the result. And they don't have to be the one in charge of it. I have one example of a client. She worked from home, and she would, she had to pass by her mudroom - laundry room - on the way to the kitchen to refill her water to get snacks whatever. And laundry was such a big point of contention for her. It would stress her out, she would get so distracted walking past that mudroom and seeing the pile of laundry, not only the - the dirty laundry, but also the clean laundry that needed to be folded and put it - put away. And it would, she would have a physical reaction of like anger and frustration every time she walked by it. So, taking a two-minute break from her focused work time would actually become a 15-minute break because she had to completely, like, regroup, or she would go in and fold a few things to try to make herself feel better. It was a whole thing. This is a situation where realizing that she didn't have to be the one in charge of it altogether, just gave her the freedom to say actually, yeah, I don't want to do that it is important to me that it gets done. And I don't need to be the one to do it. So guess what, she hired a laundry service. That solved the problem - great way to do it.
So, sometimes that is the case, you don't need to change your habits or your behavior, you just need to recognize "I want the result and it is okay for someone else to do it for me." Another interesting outcome of taking the pressure off is that often the resistance to doing that thing goes away as soon as the pressure goes away. So, I had a client once who was really struggling with making time to spend with his family in the evenings, he was exhausted when he got home from work. And his wife and his kids were so patient about it. But he knew that they wanted to spend time with him. And he wanted to spend time with that actually, he wanted to want to spend time with them. We actually did that rating scale. And he was a six out of 10. So it was important, but not - not nearly as important as other things in his life. So he really wanted to want to, and he just didn't. And he had so much guilt and shame about that. And the guilt and the shame actually made it harder for him to make that time and to connect with them. Because he was resisting spending time with them because he didn't want to do it out of guilt. But that guilt was such a prevalent feeling for him, it was all around him every time he thought about his family. So he was kind of pushing them away, even though he wanted to want to spend time with them. This is so important for us to see where we do these things in our lives.
So, once we were able to process those feelings and really work through what was causing all of this and take away the pressure, he started to actually be excited to see his family at the end of the day, he felt good. And he was present while he was with them. And very soon it went from being something that he wanted to want to do to actually being something that he genuinely got excited to do. And there was no pressure to do it. He just didn't "have to" anymore, he wanted to. So if you consider your desire for change, and tell yourself the truth of how important it actually is to you. And then you can start by relieving the pressure that you've built up around it. I guarantee there is no pressure to do any of these things that you want to do or think you should do, except for those - the pressure that you've built yourself. So, take away that pressure and then you start shifting into a more proactive state, rather than a resistance state - works every time. So brilliant.
So, the next part - so my first question was, how important is this to you, really? And if it is important, do you need to be the one to do it? Or do you need to let go of some control or let go of some part of this, in order to make it easier for you to show up and do your part of it, then we have situations when you say, Yeah, I genuinely do want to change my behavior, I want to install this habit in myself, I want to see myself in this particular way. And that is where I want to introduce you to the concept of minimum baseline.
So, the minimum baseline is the least amount of action that is required for you to believe that you are this person for you to believe in this behavior, and own it as your own. So, we often think that identity change is an end result, or that it's like some certificate that we'll get once we check off all these boxes that belong in the identity column. So, one example is I'm a successful business owner. Another example is I'm an artist. Another example is I'm good at managing my time. All three of these identities are common ones that my clients come to me struggling with because they think that in order to see themselves that way, that they've got to have a lot of proof, a lot of evidence to get there. So, the minimum baseline essentially breaks down that identity from something that is big and vague to something that's doable. And every time you do it, it continuously feeds the identity with positive evidence.
So, here's an example. I wish I was the kind of person who followed through on my schedule, I feel like people are raising their hands, right now listening to this. Raise your hand, if you've ever had this thought, I wish I was the kind of person who followed through on my schedule. So, people often come to me wanting help with this, usually from the podcast, because you've heard me talk about how I set my calendar, I have dedicated creative days. And for a lot of creatives, they really like the idea of having a consistent workflow and always having time for creative work. Rather than trying to squeeze your creative work or your focus work into little moments in your day whenever it's available. Or instead of trying to do creative work and then getting disruptive - disrupted. And just feeling like you can never get a handle on it right you can never get any momentum because it's just not your time.
So, this idea of I am a person who follows through on my schedule, or this idea of having dedicated time and space for the things that are important to you - it sounds really lovely, right? But the practice of it always proves to be more difficult. Because as soon as you create this beautiful calendar, you are faced with challenges. One challenge is that life is not predictable. Calendars, as wonderful and helpful as they can be calendars are idealistic, they don't account for disruptions, or emergencies, or moods. And one of the things that I do teach people is how to create realistic calendars that do account for the realities of life. But that is a whole other conversation. And even within that you are still not going to be able to schedule every aspect of your life, even when you are being realistic about what you know what your time and life really looks like. Okay, so when someone says, I wish I was the kind of person who followed through on my calendar, they are making a sweeping judgment that they don't follow through on their calendar already see, this is an identity of not being an identity of insufficiency versus an identity of sufficiency or abundance.
So, in the previous episode, I talked about all-or-nothing thinking, and this is another version of that all-or-nothing thinking. So in their mind when they say I wish I was the kind of person who followed through on my calendar, what they're thinking about is the pile of times that they didn't follow through on their calendar. And maybe that pile is a mile high, maybe that pile is 20 years high. But even if that is the case, there is always another pile. There's always also a pile of times that they did follow through on their calendar. Case in point, they've never missed a meeting with their coach. And they get their kids to school every day. And they blocked out time two weeks ago to work on a creative project and then they did it. So even when that pile is small-ish, and no matter how much mounting evidence they have against this identity - that they are a person who follows through on their calendar - there is still always evidence to the contrary, there is always evidence to support the identity. I wish I was "a person who ...", you have evidence to show you that you are sometimes "a person who ...", right.
So, look for that evidence, it's a really good starting point, just to crack open this idea that you are not as far from being that person, as you have been thinking that you are. I like instilling hope in people because I think hope gets people into action, a lot more than doubt and dread. Okay, so the minimum baseline then, is something like, "put one thing on your calendar today, and follow through on it". So, if you want to be a person who follows through on your calendar, recognize that you are sometimes a person who follows through on your calendar, it may not be 100% of your calendar, it may not be every day, it may not even be once a week. But the truth is, if you are willing to tell yourself the whole truth, the truth is that sometimes you are a person who follows through on your calendar. And if you want to back that up, which you do, you want to back that up, put something on your calendar today, short term and follow through on it, it does not have to be big, it does not have to be long, it does not have to be anything special just shows you that you are a person you are capable of putting something on your calendar and following through on it. Once you do that, you'll put something on your calendar for tomorrow, and follow through on it.
And if that is all it takes is for you to do one thing at a time with the intention to show yourself that you are capable of being that person, you will very quickly stop believing the story that you are not that person and wishing you were and start believing that you are that person and continue proving it to yourself over and over again. So, as a quick recap, today, we talked about how to become the "person who..." does the thing that you think you should or want to be doing. And the first part of this is to better understand the desire itself. What is driving it? What is it that you really, really want? And how important is this to you, honestly. And if it is something that's important to you consider your options, for getting it, and release the pressure that's currently causing you to resist the change rather than to embrace it. When you decide that you genuinely do want to make a change, try the minimum baseline to simplify the process of change so that you are creating small wins on a consistent basis rather than adding pressure again to do it right. I hope that you've enjoyed this episode, and received some gems that you can apply in your life to make the process of change and growth easier and more fun for you.
Linsi Brownson 18:17
Have a great week. Thanks for listening to the Be Brilliant In Your Business podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode. And if you heard something particularly insightful or inspiring, I would really love to know what it was. And I'd love to get your review. So I have a fun way to do this. Come and find me on Instagram @linsibrownson and send me a private message with a voice memo or a quick note, something that I can share here on the show. As a thank you for sharing your thoughts about the show, I've made a special gift to get you energized and inspired when you open your laptop. I created some beautifully designed desktop wallpaper with some of my favorite mantras and motivational ideas that I think you will love to see. It's a win-win and a fun way for us to connect. So come find me on Instagram @linsibrownson and let me know what you think.